Monthly Archives: April 2017

Hiding on His Dating Profile

Here are a few more things men tend to lie about when online.

  • His Job
    Oh? You’re about to go out with a good-looking CEO of a booming start-up? Don’t be surprised if that means he has a great idea for an app and is working out of his parents’ garage. Most men have a tendency to inflate their titles or responsibilities in order to impress women. It’s not a great idea to ask about his salary, but a safe bet is to ask about his title and how large a company he works for. CEO is very impressive, but not if the company is him and his dog.
  • His Intention
    Just because a man is on a dating site does not mean he’s looking for a long-term relationship. In fact, if you’re on Tinder, you should assume that the guy is trying to get laid and be pleasantly surprised when it turns out he wants to date you. Aside from certain apps like Heavenly Sinful, where you’re explicitly asked to say whether you want to hook up or date, the guy’s intention is often unknown.
  • His Height
    On average, guys will say they are two inches taller than they actually are, and will assume you’re not going to bring a tape measure to the first date. If you’re curious, you can wait until his wallet’s open while paying for (at least his share) of the bill and say, “Oh! Let me see the photo on your driver’s license. Mine is horrible.” There, as clear as day, is his height (no one cares enough to lie to the DMV).
  • His Weight
    Men (well, everyone) will post photos of themselves from when they are looking their physical best. So if you show up on date number one and the guy is looking twenty pounds overweight, don’t be shocked. If you’re lucky it may go the other way; he may have just recovered from breaking up with his long-term girlfriend and lost the gut men tend to accrue when they no longer feel they need to impress their partner. Now that he’s single he wants to look great. But the pessimist in me leans toward warning you that he may be a bit heavier than you imagined.
  • His Worldliness
    He may say he loves to travel but that doesn’t guarantee he’s ever left the United States. He may say he knows a lot about wine but that might just mean he knows that he likes Pinot Noir. Don’t assume anything based on the guy’s stated hobbies or interests; just like his job description it is likely inflated and made to sound more sophisticated than it actually is.
  • His Relationship Status
    I hate to say it, but even if a guy makes himself available on a dating site it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s there to seriously date. Single can mean anything from “haven’t had a girlfriend in five years and looking for sex” to “newly divorced and sad.” There are men who are going through a break-up or are in an open relationship and they are on these sites because it seems innocent enough, but they are not emotionally available to be with you.
  • His Age
    One of the most common lies on dating profiles is a man fibbing about his age. More often than not he’s likely older than he is. If you’re in your early twenties and a man says he’s 29 there’s a chance he might actually be a 35 year-old who knows you would never date someone more than ten years your senior. If that’s your thing though, then search for men in that age range but hope they’re not in their 40s.

Recognize the Risk

So it might seem that the only answer between hiding and deleting would be to hide the profile. Why take a risk?

However, there are a few things I would want you to keep in mind if you’re going to hide your profile:

  1. The person you are now starting a relationship with will be able to get to your profile since you’ve been communicating. There can be confusion created where a woman “checks up” on the guy she’s started dating. He says he deactivated his account but she can still access it. This has the risk of creating arguments so be aware that when you tell someone you deactivated your account, they may think you lied if they can still see it. Better to say that you hid your account so no one can find it if challenged on this.
  2. If you had a breakup, tried online dating but are now getting back together with the person you broke up with, there are extra risks here. This is a case where deleting the profile is a better option, especially if the cause of the breakup was related to fidelity in any way. I’ve been contacted by women who winked at a man so they could keep track of him. I don’t think most of these women intend to be stalkers but regardless of their motivation they could get very angry if you only hide the profile. If you’re repairing a relationship and are in a sensitive area around trust, better safe than sorry in my opinion.
  3. For Match.com, there’s something that adds drama to this area: if you open an email from Match.com, it shows you as active on their website. They apparently do this through cookies. It will look like you’re active on the website. This has created many, many problems based on the number of emails I’ve received. Just something to keep in mind

So normally, I think hiding is the right choice. But be aware of the details above…knowing could save you a big headache based on a misunderstanding.

First Date

Sometimes, I get hung up on money. It can be awkward to talk about who’s paying for what on a first meeting. I always try to pick places that I can afford, and I speak up if I’m worried about that. More and more, it’s a conversation I’m trying to have early, before emotions are entangled. That way, everyone is on the same page, and no one feels taken advantage of.

In the moment, sometimes I have difficulty remembering my favorite mid-priced places to eat, or the coffee shops I like in different parts of town. To combat this, I’ve made a list. Now, when someone asks me where I’d like to go, I can suggest crepes, craft cocktails, or well-brewed tea.

Familiarity is another perk I’ve discovered in developing relationships with my favorite first date places over the years. Often, I’ll go a little early and check in with a barista or bartender, letting them know I’m on a first date. More often than not, they offer to check on me, or to develop a signal, just in case I’m in distress. I still might be nervous, but it’s awfully nice to feel like I have some backup.

Unless I have a good reason, I try to stick to coffee for a first date. No one expects more than an hour from me, and I can graciously escape if I’m ready to be done, but an hour can also easily turn into two or three if things are going well. It’s not expensive, and there’s plenty of time and space to get to know each other without a server dipping in, or the distraction of a movie, a play, or a sporting event.

On a first date, I’m learning that my entire job is to pay attention. I want to get to know the person I’m meeting. Even if I know him already, I don’t know him in this context. But more than that, I want to tune in to how the date makes me feel. Most of the time, I’m nervous until it starts, it’s a sort of stage fright, but if I can’t relax as the date goes on, I want to pay attention to that and honor my intuition. Too many bells and whistles can make it hard to notice when I’m uncomfortable, or when I simply don’t feel a connection, but it can also make it harder to see the sparks when they start to fly.

In the end, when I’m thinking about what to do for a first date, I try to remember that they are supposed to be fun. Both of us hope that we’ve met someone special, but I can’t allow myself to think about forever the first time we spend intentional time together. Instead, I concentrate on the person in front of me, someone who has chosen to be brave along with me. I set aside all of my hopes for a relationship (or do my very best), and keep my mind focused on that person and the present, one moment at a time.

Healthy Relationship

It’s never too late to save a marriage – there are always opportunities to reverse a downward trend and rekindle your romance.

Marriages today have a lot of pressure on them; work, family, kids, finances, health and more. Sometimes we get caught up in the day to day demands placed upon us and have nothing left to give to our partners.

Sometimes marriages simply need partners to gain a better understanding of one another. It is very often the simple things that couples get wrong over and again.

A successful relationship is built around letting go. It’s about giving up control, giving up the need to be loved or wanted or right all the time.

This is a very counter-intuitive thing. And it took me many years and tears and failures to figure out. That’s why I’ve put together this collection of articles describing exactly what I’ve learned and how these lessons can benefit you. The content below will help you find the love you deserve, heal old wounds that seemingly never leave, and deal with the conflict or stress of whatever you’re dealing with now. It’s all free, as well.

You can also enter your email address below and I’ll send you a free eBook I put together on dating and relationships. I’ll send you occasional updates about new articles and other things I’ve been working on. Your information is protected and I never spam.

 

Communication is a key piece of healthy relationships. Healthy couples make time to check in with one another on a regular basis. It’s important to talk about more than just parenting and maintaining the household, however. Try to spend a few minutes each day discussing deeper or more personal subjects to stay connected to your partner over the long term.

To keep things interesting, some couples plan regular date nights. Even dates can get old, though, if you’re always renting a movie or going to the same restaurant. Experts recommend breaking out of the routine and trying new things — whether that’s going dancing, taking a class together or packing an afternoon picnic.

Intimacy is also a critical component of romantic relationships. Some busy couples find it helpful to schedule sex by putting it on the calendar. It may not be spontaneous to have it written in red ink, but setting aside time for an intimate encounter helps ensure that your physical and emotional needs are met.

Every relationship has ups and downs, but some factors are more likely than others to create bumps in a relationship. Finances and parenting decisions often create recurring conflicts, for example. One sign of a problem is having repeated versions of the same fight over and over. In such cases, psychologists can help couples improve communication and find healthy ways to move beyond the conflict.

You don’t have to wait until a relationship shows signs of trouble before working to strengthen your union. Marital education programs that teach skills such as good communication, effective listening and dealing with conflict have been shown to reduce the risk of divorce.

Tips How to Prevent Divorce

All couples go through periods when they feel distant and disconnected to each other. There are times when many question the future of their marriage and wonder whether they will end up contributing to the ever-increasing divorce statistics.

Advice on How to Prevent Divorce

If your husband wants a divorce but you don’t, check out our ten tips to prevent divorce and get your marriage back on track.

  1. If your spouse wants a divorce don’t despair – just one of you trying to turn things around could well be enough. Try to agree on a period of time before any action is taken to commence divorce proceedings. Give yourselves the chance to consider your future together. Use this time to take vital steps to re-engage with your spouse and re-vitalize your marriage; see examples of the things you can do in our tips below.
  2. There’s no time to waste; don’t focus on the things that your spouse may have said or done to the detriment of your relationship; instead look inward. Especially if you are the only one making an effort to salvage your marriage, consider what action you alone could take to lessen the tension and increase the affection.
  3. There are many of our articles that include this point but we make no apologies for mentioning it again! It is simply something that is so easy to improve upon and can become a powerful tool in your marriage repair kit! This tip is simply to think about how you speak to your husband= could you improve the way you communicate in your marriage? Could you brush up on the content, tone and language you use when speaking to your spouse?
  4. Be considerate – think about what it is that your husband most needs from you – do you provide this? What could you do to give your husband the basic emotional support he needs? Time, attention, affection, sex… what does your relationship currently lack that you could make more of an effort to provide?
  5. Many couples discussing martial issues during counseling talk of recurring arguments. The same issue, if left unresolved, can raise its head again and again. Just imagine how much better your marriage could be if you dealt with this issue once and for all. One powerful way to tackle this issue is to identify the triggers of regular arguments and consider the different things you could do to remove them.
  6. Redefine success – when you get into a fight don’t focus on winning. The aim of the game is to agree not to win; so try to refocus on finding resolution instead of victory. Just this shift of mindset, this redefinition of what you want to achieve, can take the heat out of arguments and facilitate swifter agreement.
  7. Reconnect physically – sex is an important part of marriage; if your love life has become a chore or nonexistent, research ways to revive your intimacy.
  8. Listen to your spouse and then listen some more. If your husband wants a divorce you need to understand why; don’t second guess him – give him the opportunity to explain how he is feeling and why he sees divorce as the only solution.
  9. Once you understand the situation consider what to do – perhaps this is the time to consider putting some difficult issues behind you; to forgive and be forgiven, to make every effort to move forward in a positive way. Pick two or three achievable things you could both do to make a big difference to your marriage.
  10. Be realistic; there are no quick fixes. Saving a marriage takes time and a lot of effort.

If you have been wondering how to prevent divorce then we hope these marriage advice tips will help you. Some couples want to work on their marriage together but at times it is just one half of the couple who wants to make the effort to put things right.

Preventing divorce is not impossible. If you succeed in doing so you may actually end up with a stronger marriage than you had before because you have taken the time to work out the main issues that have been pulling you apart.